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Six days before Christmas, Winston the Eclectus parrot let out his "I see someone on our front porch" shrieks of dismay while I was working in the office/Florida room at the back of the house. No one knocked on the front door (or the window, which, if you've been following along at home, you know is an option with one of my neighbors) and I was not expecting a delivery that day, so I didn't hurry myself away from work to deal with the porch. About an hour later, I mosied into the front room, looked out the front window, and stared at a large jack-o-lantern style pumpkin sitting on my patio table.
Before I go any further, lemme offer a touch of backstory.
A few years ago, but while I lived here in Citrus County, an enterprising ring of burglars had been going around placing white stones in front of houses to determine which houses had humans coming and going during holidays and popular vacation times. If the stones were moved away from doorsteps or high traffic areas, it meant people were home. If you didn't notice the white stone and move it...you in danger, girl.
This "white stone burglary" concept didn't immediately occur to me as I stood looking out the window at the squash that would be clearly visible from the street as an odd and orange decoration in the middle of nothing else on my porch. Instead, I was pleased that someone had gifted me a pumpkin for Christmas. I bebopped outside to see who it was from.
It was from no one.
There was no tag.
There was no label.
The only sticker on the pumpkin was from the nursery where it had originated, and that had no name or greeting or indication that the person leaving this on my porch knew me or that I knew him/her. I looked around the porch for a minute to see if maybe a note had blown away? No. That's when the "white stone burglary" concept tugged at my brain. Had some enterprising group of thieves upped their game and placed pricy pumpkins on porches instead of rocks? That seemed like quite a financial investment to me...but...
Obviously, I'd have to take this pumpkin inside to let the burglars know, "Yes, the homeowner is here. Don't try to rob the place."
Then my paranoid brain told me to put on the brakes.
What if this pumpkin was laced with fentanyl or some other stupid drug and as soon as I wrapped my arms around it (I'm telling you guys, this squash was large), I succumbed to an overdose? What if the enterprising thugs were waiting in the park across the street to see me collapse...
So my stupid butt went back in the house, put on a long pair of dishwashing gloves, collected the pumpkin without hugging it, put it in the bathtub to wash it down, and, when there were no drug-induced incidents, I hacked it up for my chickens. Clyde and the Bonnies approached it with about the same trepidation I did, but enjoyed it thoroughly once they realized I wasn't trying to burglarize or poison them.
In fantastic news, my neighbor who uses the ladder to peek over the privacy fence texted me the following day. She wanted to tell me she'd left a pumpkin on my porch for my chickens. Bless her heart. I took her some cookies. But I elected not to tell her of my paranoid insanity handling the gift with gloves and disinfectant.
I hope everyone's New Year is off to a great start!